Chasing Sunsets

Houston, we have a problem…

Perhaps it was the overflowing trash can, or maybe the endless trail of dog hair rolling across the kitchen floor like tumbleweed, but I had reached a breaking point. Looking out at the northwest facing kitchen window, I caught the glimpse of a glorious sunset that called me as clearly as a Facebook notification on my phone.

With enough self-awareness to announce my departure, I jumped into my well-loved but travel-weary Ford Explorer, backed out of the driveway, and nearly took out the mailbox. It wasn’t the first time.

Like a driver trying to outrun a yellow light, I chased after the orange ball that was slipping dangerously below the horizon, and I got angry.   Lord, why are you allowing the sun to set before I have a chance to take pictures and post them all over social media?   

The Big Reveal

Frustrated, I turned west, and sun was ablaze in an Ombre of white yellow and dusty pink, almost perfectly centered in the middle of the road.  Fumbling for the camera app on my phone, I was like a toddler driving a stick shift.  Hoping that at least one of the twenty I took would be suitable, I considered turning back home. 

But I needed more.  “Of what, exactly?”, I thought I heard a voice say.

Undaunted, I made my way through one of the most heavily congested distribution hubs on the east coast.  The sun changed to a motionless, peachy-pink glow. I pulled next to an ice-encrusted car wash bay at a familiar gas station, and asked God for direction.

Silence.

I took a few pictures of the horizon, obscured by the leafless trees, then turned the camera on myself, thinking that the frustrated expression on my face would tell the whole story and endear me to others.  As if.

I began the trek back home when, in my rear-view mirror, I caught the remnants of the sun stretched across the horizon in inky shades of blood orange, pink and purple.  Circling back to a shopping center, I faced my car west, cut the engine, opened my laptop and tried, in vain, to write.   But there was nothing.  I did not find the perfect photo, my gas tank was empty, my family was probably starving at home, and I had barely put two sentences together.

Why, God?    

The Real Issue:

I spent the next few days trying to figure out what God was trying to teach me.  I was in a pressure cooker environment in the days leading up to that misadventure. I had a self-imposed deadline to publish something on my blog and all I had were half written pieces with great opening lines, but little else.  I was making promises to my tight circle of supporters, and I felt like a fraud because I couldn’t deliver.

And it isn’t for a lack of trying, either.  I drag myself out of bed in the pre-dawn hours to write. I read my Bible. I go to church. I lean, unabashedly, on trusted friends for prayer and encouragement. Aren’t I doing everything right.

I remember texting a friend that even if nothing got published by my deadline (That was two weeks ago. And it didn’t), that I felt I’d done everything I could, and it was in God’s hands. But I stopped believing that almost the moment I hit “send”.

It is a difficult truth to accept that God will place something so heavy on your heart, and not see a fleck of a result for your efforts.  It almost seems cruel.

But then I stumbled across this…

Proverbs 16:9 ESV:  The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.  

 Some of the biggest blessings in my life came from denied, delayed or unanswered prayers.  Obedience can be confusing when you don’t have a parent or teacher barking in your ear, but I choose to believe that when we’re in God’s Word, praying, and fellowshipping with other Christians, the instructions become more clear. And even when you make a mistake because of misguided motives or unchecked egos, God will still work through it and pours grace into every crevice. The biggest tragedy is when you don’t even try.  Sometimes failure is the only option.

I still get frustrated any time I open my laptop and the words don’t flow. I still struggle to find the balance between feeling confident in my writing abilities, and humbly submitting every thought I have to God.  This journey has been slow, sometimes agonizing, but no less rewarding.

Lets slow down the pace and talk a minute.

Perhaps you, too have a calling that isn’t bearing much fruit.   Maybe you have a relevant new ministry that the church hasn’t quite caught on to.  Or you feel led to adopt a child, but that call hasn’t come.  Or perhaps you want to take that short-term mission trip, but the funding isn’t there. The doors keep closing. But if it’s in Gods will, it’s not the end of the story.

I’ll leave you with this promise from Isaiah 40:31 ESV

But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. 

I feel like I run the risk of idealism every time I throw out a passage like that one, or tell you to “just go read your Bible”. I know it’s not as simple as that. Working out of a negative mindset takes time and repetition. And instead of chasing something, like a sunset, a “like” on Facebook, or some other form of self-satisfaction, take the time to pause. Let God fill the silence.

Let’s walk this path together.